So, I decided I might as well write down my thoughts on the Emmys. I know I’m not a TV critic or anything, but I am an avid watcher of awards shows so I can bring that to the table.
Full disclosure: I care slightly more than usual about this year’s show since my friend/acquaintance/coworker Faith Soloway was backstage writing material for Jane Lynch, (they go way back). So I’m probably inclined to think everything is funny since I want it to be (also, check out “Secrets,” Faith’s very funny, very soapy web series) but I will try to remain my usual composed yet snarky self and hopefully Mario Lopez won’t come find me for making fun of any celebrities (not a joke, that is a real show). Where is Mario Lopez’s Emmy? That’s the real elephant in the room here.
(Note: This is an edited-down version of my original notes, which included a lot of words like “Grrrr” and “jfkslfsd” which wouldn’t have translated well. Also: lame jokes. Here’s some slightly less lame jokes, mixed with faux-insightful commentary)
Pete Campbell’s brief appearance in the opening number is easily the highlight. Mostly because it reminds me that this once happened. Jane Lynch is very charming! John Hamm, also very charming, as always. The cast of The Mad Men definitely wins the Emmy for cast I want to drink scotch with all the time.
Julie Bowen wins best supporting actress and is STUNNING as always and makes a very funny joke about therapy that the audience doesn’t respond to since they’re all texting their therapists. Her dress is a little inappropriate and kind of makes her look like an oversexed sardine. But I love her.
And then JULIANA MARGUELIESS come out, as if she appears out of a cloud of smoke every time someone says the word “stunning.” Juliana, I can’t spell your last name. I’m sorry. Her dress looks like a Dalek. Have I told you guys I’m a fashion writer now?
Ty Burrell wins and we all feel good about ourselves. But it kind of feels like an underhanded comment by the voters that Cam and Mitchell were incredibly annoying this season on Modern Families so of course neither of them is going to win this thing.
Charlie Sheen shows up and Jimmy Fallon gives him a standing-O. Ironically? Charlie Sheen is boring now, apparently that’s his new thing.
Jim Parsons wins for Bing Bang Theory. He accepts the award with his eyes closed. He’s sleepy just like me! He’s the voice of the people, even more so than that kid who was crying in Ikea when I went there today.
Melissa McCartney wins for Bridesm-I mean, whatever her show is! “Sorry, I’m a crier!” she says, and I try to think of a Jon Cryer joke but come up empty.
The Amazing Race wins best Reality show which, actually, is a CRIME since everyone know Top Chef is where it’s at. Did the Emmy voters just straight-up miss the episode where Fabio talked about his pet turtle? That was TV right there.
The Lonely Island medley inadvertently points out that all their songs sound the same. Whoops! For real, though - that thing must have been incomprehensible to those out there who don’t watch SNL. Basically just a bunch of people screaming unrelated phrases out of context. But Maya Rudolph and William H. Macy almost save the thing.
Martin Scorsese wins. This guy’s hilarious! Who is he? I’m going to look him up.
Alan Cumming’s Emmy clip slays me and slays me and slays me. “Where did you go to school, you IDIOT?” But Peter Dinklage wins and that is phenomenal in my book. I hope he remembers to thank the little people! (I’m going to hell for that joke). His speech is so classy, though. His speech makes everyone feel great because he is a class act and actually acts like a real, sophisticated adult unlike a lot of the other idiots in the room. Hoo-boy, this thing’s been on for awhile. Starting to get snappy.
I can’t imagine anyone will actually read this far so I’ll assume I can write whatever I want past this point and no one will really care if it’s coherent.
Juliana Magulies wins and we can all agree that she is so beautiful and just take a second to be in awe of her.
I wonder if there’s anyone on earth actively looking forward to the Charlie’s Angels remake show that’s about to start.
Kyle Chandler wins. I have nothing to contribute. I’ve never seen his show. I’ll check it out soon, okay?
Before the miniseries category can start, let me just say that Downton Abbey should win every single one. Let’s not forget about this:
There’s just nothing better than that.
JULIAN FELLOWES WINS for writing Downton Abbey. Everyone should read this profile of him, which reveals that he essentially lives exactly like the old-time rich people on that show.
Then Maggie Smith wins! And she’s too much of a boss to even bother showing up. God, I love her.
And then it wins for best direction, too! This is, no joke, the first time I have ever paid one jot of attention to the miniseries portion of the Emmys. Let’s grow old together and watch Downton Abbey until we die.
Ugh I can’t believe they’re singing “Hallelujah.” Can we please leave that song alone? It can’t just function as instant gravitas music. So lazy, so lazy. Cheapens the already icky-feeling death montage even further.
Guy Pearce wins the Emmy and the award for sneakiest dirty joke. You know the one. I’m not going to repeat it. This isn’t a smut blog.
So glad Kate Winslet is finally getting some recognition for her acting. Her dress is inappropriate.
Downton Abbey wins best miniseries, of course! Give it all the Emmys, ever, please. Find Emmys left over from the ’90s and give them to Downton Abbey.
Maria Bello says William H. Macy looks “dapper,” which is true only if you can ignore every choice he made regarding hairstyle.
Mad Men wins because it’s a Stuff White People Like (including me).
Gwenny Paltrow came dressed as a genie, because OF COURSE.
Best comedy goes to Modern Family. Come on, people. How is it possible to like this show more than Parks and Recreation? Sigh. But they singled out the child actors, which are definitely the best part of that show, so that it a gesture both classy and cute.
Well, that was the Emmys. Jane Lynch was wonderful and honestly she could probably host appendectomy and it would be entertaining. Time to watch Breaking Bad.